Posted Sun, 06/28/2009 - 21:30 by Michael J Smith
No, you haven’t been caught up in some Philip K. Dickian Martian Time-Slip. That calendar on the wall is correct, it’s still 2009. Despite this (or because of it – maybe we crossed the tipping point from "instant gratification" to "prescient gratification"), ESPN has named its Team of the Decade. Naturally, Tom Brady’s spot as QB of the Decade has attracted the attention of every young man living in his mother’s basement in the greater Indianapolis area. What? Peyton Manning isn’t the QB of the Naughts? Oh, the humanity!
Posted Tue, 06/23/2009 - 14:22 by Michael J Smith
Did any of us sign up for this?
Brett, Plax, Vick, Donte Stallworth, and Giselle’s baby bump.
It’s like a bad sports movie. Where is the funny fat guy?
Oh, wait. Artie Lange. Check. All we need now is the
place-kicker with a foreign accent and an obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Does that trope still work? Aren’t we ready for a lesbian place-kicker
in our football comedy movie? It’s like 2009 already.
Okay, okay. Bi-sexual. Big kiss with the misogynist tight
end that learns to love women who can kick a 47-yard game-winning field
goal after they win the Super Bowl. Someone get me Ari Gold’s
number! What? “Entourage” isn’t a documentary?
Okay, somebody get me Spielberg’s number!
Posted Mon, 06/15/2009 - 14:19 by Michael J Smith
I think we can all agree – even Channing Crowder and Rex
Ryan – NFL games are not
played in June. Can they be won? Practice is important,
isn’t it? At the very least, you start to see what the team
is going to look like coming out of that first mandatory mini-camp.
I mean, unless you’re the Cleveland
Browns, of course.
Posted Mon, 06/08/2009 - 14:12 by Michael J Smith
Is Peyton Manning really good with the changes in the coaching staff for
the Colts, or is this the kind of thing people say after an organizational
meeting designed to get everyone on
message? Coaches
good! Me good! All good! Sure, whatever.
Posted Sun, 05/31/2009 - 14:06 by Michael J Smith
Is it too early for everyone to start
hating on the Patriots? Probably not. Seriously, did Tom
Brady have to do his first interview with
Peter King? What if
Favre really does retire? Would Peter King writing about Tom Brady
every week draw the haters of the blogosphere into a singularity of
hate that would suck all the love out of the universe? I know.
It sounds crazy. At first…
Posted Wed, 04/29/2009 - 13:55 by Michael J Smith
Nobody can suck all the fun out of the
room like Bill Belichick. After weeks of anticipation, hundreds
of mock drafts, checking the highlight clips of “the next Mike Vrabel,”
tantalizing reports of trading up, Belichick did it again. Traded
down and then traded out of the first round. I suppose I really
should’ve seen this one coming. Leaking the trading up scenario
to Peter King? Yeah, I definitely should’ve seen this coming.
Posted Thu, 04/23/2009 - 13:46 by Michael J Smith
Woe is the Detroit Lions football franchise. First, they become the first perfectly imperfect team in NFL history, and now, they’re stuck with the #1 pick in the draft. What could the Ford family possibly have done in
a previous life to deserve this?
(Hey, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism,
Dude, at least it’s an ethos.)
Posted Mon, 01/05/2009 - 04:09 by Michael J Smith
After the disappointing end to their once promising season, it’s hard to imagine any member of the Jets having the stones to call one of their teammates out. And yet, they have. Running back Thomas Jones has gone public with his thoughts. If he’d been the HC of the NYJ, he would’ve pulled Brett Favre because those 3 INT just killed any chance they had at winning. Jones did not comment on whether or not he would’ve pulled a starting running back for averaging 2.3 yards per carry, but later noted that if he had fumbled twice, he also should’ve been benched. For future reference.
Posted Thu, 01/01/2009 - 13:41 by Michael J Smith
It’s a hard and immutable judgment. Succeed or fail. No D-minus or B-plus. Twelve teams and their fans look to the future with hope; they are winners, successes. Twenty teams and their fans can bemoan the linear nature of time (and the failure of so-called "scientists" to develop a temporal flux capacitor), opportunities irretrievably lost, the cruelty of a seemingly godless universe. They are losers. Failures. And just like a B-movie, all we ask is that the villain die a suitable death; a death as devastating as the damage he has caused. I’m looking at you Eric Mangini!
Posted Sat, 12/27/2008 - 17:09 by Michael J Smith
Who, exactly, is the hero of this movie, anyway? Act II is almost over; we should know by now, shouldn’t we? I suppose we do know one thing by now. Logic will have nothing to do with the outcome.
Pigskin Musings…
Posted Tue, 12/16/2008 - 09:51 by Michael J Smith
Apparently, Bill Gates is packing. Warren Buffet will straight up strafe your ass. Or so I assume, based on the logic that if you got loot, you’ve got an inalienable right to conceal an unregistered firearm. Quite honestly, I don’t think there’s been enough Second Amendment hysteria in this story. Come on Republicans! I know you just got your ass handed to you and you’re all feelin’ Eeyore right now, but this is a 12-ounce filet, medium rare.
Posted Fri, 12/05/2008 - 17:01 by Michael J Smith
Every week in the NFL is like a roller coaster ride, with exhilarating highs, and horrifying lows, and just like the real thing, it often ends in vomit.
Posted Thu, 11/06/2008 - 18:02 by Michael J Smith
Can we believe our eyes any more? We really have no choice but acknowledge it. The Cincinnati Bengals have won a football game. You know, at times like these, we need a rock we can hold onto, something reliable, consistent, a marker, something tangible, ineluctable, something that tells us we’re not dreaming… Thank you, Detroit Lions!Quick Aside: I realize the title for this week’s edition of They Still Call It Football is my second use of the word ineluctable in as many weeks. And then I use it again in the lede.
Posted Thu, 10/30/2008 - 16:25 by Michael J Smith
This is This
I had always hoped Robert de Niro’s
line from “The Deer Hunter” would become a catch phrase, a sort
of Philosophy of the Ineluctable. This
is this. Unlike “It
is what it is,” it never captured the pop zeitgeist. I suppose
the pigskin version would be “You are what your record says you are.”
It’s a phrase that’s not particularly popular in San Diego right
now. There are some people who look at the 2-5-0 Chargers and see a team that is just a few plays and a bad call away
from being 7-0-0. Me? I see a team coached by Norv Turner.
Posted Thu, 10/23/2008 - 17:16 by Michael J Smith
If ignorance is bliss, why do I feel so anxious all the time? Speaking of ignorance, why isn’t there norance? I mean, the opposite of noble is ignoble, isn’t it? Ignorant. Norant. Did I miss something? Hey, what was that? Did you hear that? No, seriously. Shh! Listen… What is that?
These Things Might Be Things…
Posted Sun, 10/19/2008 - 17:52 by Michael J Smith
All of this talk about Joe the Plumber has reminded me of a joke I used to annoy adults with. It seems clear in retrospect that I was ADHD as a child, but my parents insisted on calling me precocious, perhaps hoping against hope that I would channel my scatterbrained mania into something productive at some point. (It’s still a possibility, I suppose.) Anyway, the joke went something like this…
Posted Tue, 10/14/2008 - 18:31 by Michael J Smith
You may have heard that it isn’t the better team that wins; it’s the team that plays better. This is meant to be reassuring, I suppose. Maybe so, if you’re a Giants’ fan, but if you’re living in the greater Detroit area, does it provide anything more than cold comfort in these trying times of economic and pigskin disaster? And after last Sunday, you have to ask yourself, how badly do their opponents have to play for the Lions’ best to be good enough? Millen may be gone, but clearly, the Millen Era is far from over.
These Things Might Be Things…
Posted Thu, 10/09/2008 - 03:13 by Michael J Smith
In the colloquial speech of the modern NFL, Cardinals WR Anquan Boldin is out "with a face." Jets safety Eric Smith was suspended for a game and fined an additional 50 large on top of losing a game check.
Posted Sun, 10/05/2008 - 17:48 by Hal Tenny
Uh hu... I suppose that's true from a rich persons point of view, but if you're on the opposite side of the gutter like I am, you see it differently. I haven't written much of anything lately, let alone a rant. I might just enjoy this. Yes, I think I might... First, the standard disclaimer. I'm sure all rich people are not the same. I simply present these views from my own experience as a construction worker. Granted, at times dry wall hangers and finishers have proven to be quite a disreputable bunch of characters surpassed only perhaps by carnival bums as the scourge of the earth.
Posted Thu, 10/02/2008 - 17:47 by Michael J Smith
Was it really that long ago that Buffalo and Tennessee played for the AFC Championship? Maybe we’re doomed to repeat history no matter what we know. If we’re lucky, we wake up every morning as funny as Bill Murray, in bed with Andie McDowell. Or maybe you’d settle for being as funny as Dane Cook as long as you can sub Jessica Alba for Andie McDowell. Whatever the case, I think it’s a safe bet Tennessee won’t have to worry about losing the Super Bowl to the St. Louis Rams this year. Apparently history, like everything else, is far from perfect…
These Things Might Be Things…
Posted Thu, 09/25/2008 - 18:01 by Michael J Smith
It isn’t about triumph; it’s about redemption. It isn’t about achievement; it’s about adversity. Oh, let’s face it. It’s about watching the Good Guy, spurs jangling, striding steadfast into the hard white sun of Main Street, USA (circa 1870). Where he is gunned down by the Man in the Black Hat. Or in the case of the Bengals, the Men in the Purple, Blue, and What Color Have You Got Hats. It will be interesting to see if the Browns use pale earth tones or the more aggressive chocolate jerseys this Sunday in what is turning out to be a rather compelling melodrama. Okay, not really.
Posted Sat, 09/20/2008 - 22:25 by Hal Tenny
New Photo Essay: Landscaping
Here is the long overdue photo update I have been threatening you with the past decade. This is a huge update. Plan on spending some relaxing time here seeing how the backyard has changed over the years. All the Cascade photo essay's show more pictures in detail, and the deck essay as well. This photo essay is more to show you how things have changed and the plantings have matured, as well as additional projects never documented yet such as the wishing well and walking garden. I would love to hear what you all think, good or bad, I can take it. E-mail me at
The Hal. Click on the thumbnails to enlarge!.
Posted Thu, 09/18/2008 - 03:13 by Michael J Smith
Strange Changes
Was it really that long ago the Jaguars
and Vikings were chic picks for a trip to Tampa? Actually, it
wasn’t. I personally think their fans should be thankful they
won’t have their hearts ripped out during the holiday season.
In the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, we’ve all got plenty
of reasons to close the garage door and leave the car running.
As for Chargers’ fans, I can’t imagine what you all did to deserve
this, but let me know when you post the video.
Posted Wed, 09/17/2008 - 07:38 by Michael J Smith
It was said by people smarter than me that "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist." I’m reminded of this quote by the mediacane surrounding Sarah Palin. You know Sarah Palin. She’s the sitting governor of Alaska and the Republican nominee for President. Have to say it’s pretty ballsy of the GOP to run a woman when even the Democrats wouldn’t do that. What? John McCain? Really?
But seriously folks…
Posted Thu, 09/11/2008 - 18:08 by Michael J Smith
Everyone wishes they were talented. Except for the talented, of course. They’re already talented. They, instead, wish they were sane. I guess that means it’s insane to wish for talent. Maybe not; I might’ve left one or two dots unconnected there. Anyway, talent is clearly a double-edged sword. It places massive, asymmetrical stresses on the psyche, not to mention knee ligaments. Being talented is like walking on the sun. About a million G’s of pressure, heat like Madrid in August, and eyeball vaporizing light.
Posted Mon, 09/08/2008 - 19:22 by Michael J Smith
Did you miss me? No? Well, I’m not surprised. My mid-life crisis was brief, drenched in self-indulgence (or was it tequila?), but sadly lacking in detail. I had penned a short, touching farewell to Waving Alien, but Hal and Tewa didn’t post it. So much for the obvious Brett Favre/non-retirement jokes, I guess. Perhaps they knew I would get "the itch" again. I suppose it was reassuring when I checked the site and saw that my short goodbye had not been posted. I mean, not one person had sent me a note begging me to come back. That hurt.
Posted Sun, 08/24/2008 - 19:53 by Michael J Smith
Who do you love? The home team, of course. The players you drafted for you fantasy league team, for sure. If you’re like me, there are players you just root for. In some cases, it’s something about the way they play the game. In other cases, it’s something about their circumstances. Last year, I rooted for Brett Favre; one of the game’s all-time greats somehow reaching back for one last fastball. This season? I don’t think so, and not just because he’s playing for the Jets and I’m a Pats fan. No, somehow it just doesn’t feel right.
Posted Sun, 08/24/2008 - 01:00 by Michael J Smith
The other shoe turned out to be Joe Biden. Barack Obama has named the senator from Delaware his choice for Vice President. I suppose it’s a good choice from a political point of view. It addresses Obama’s experience/national defense weaknesses, and it helps to balance the ticket in that Biden is (a) white and (b) not Hillary. Still, this seems more like politics as usual than it does change we can believe in.
Posted Wed, 08/20/2008 - 18:05 by Michael J Smith
There are many important pigskin questions to be answered. Questions like "Just how awesome is Brett Favre?" These questions deserve in depth analysis. But we don’t have time for that, so we’ll just do the best we can with a few minutes surfing the ‘net and a small data sample…
Mama, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Wide Receivers
Posted Tue, 08/19/2008 - 17:41 by Michael J Smith
Obama and McCain took their God Test last week. It was administered by proctor Rick Warren, and both did surprisingly well. McCain’s ties to the religious right are frayed and tenuous. Obama’s middle name is Hussein. Both could use a wink and a nod from Jesus to seal the deal in November.
